I've agreed (in principle) to a relationship with Ian! What a circumspect way of saying I accepted Ian's proposal. Ian is 19 years my junior!!! That's my ageist prejudice showing, so non-PC.. It's also probably significant that I mention Ian's age.
Certainly, there's enough punctuation to remind people of my dramatic ways. It's a double whammy - Not the proposal, the drama. I'm gay & I'm South Asian. Or, do I mean double jeopardy? Prosecution of a defendant for a criminal offense for which he has already been tried.. I can be pedantic and no man shall say me nay.
Seriously though, a real double whammy exists in the form of my Pakistani passport listing place of birth as Iraq. The citizenship will change eventually, it's just a matter of applying for it.. Too late about the place of birth though. Phyllis (my biological parent) suggested I describe my birth as: in the back seat of old Chevy, stuck in mud somewhere on the delta created by the Tigris & the Euphrates. Sounds exotic to me. Here I go, digressing as usual. Tangential thinking rules!
We've had an on-again, off-again thing going for over three years. Having said that, I'll flatter myself and believe I should brace for incoming from Tina. When Tina met Ian, she asked if he was my BF. I swore he was a friend. When I shared the news, Tina sounded stunned. Tina's known me long enough to intuit things. Could her question have been based on her intuition connecting the dots?
I wondered at Ian being so punctilious about accompanying me to midnight mass, my quasi-usual (and only) religious Yuletide activity. Last year, after a feast with Ian's parents, I beached on their couch and was quite amenable to being talked into giving church a miss. Witness my deep reverence of my Anglican faith.
Ian proposed on Boxing Day. I've felt honored, flattered, cautious, scared, elated and everything in between and under the sun. Today we brunched with Ian's parents, Lynne & Keith. Their company was a pleasure, as always. However, I had something to say and welcomed witnesses. I told them my previous run-ins, aka relationships, have left me very, VERY, wary. And that I would rather see the romance end before I lost Ian's affection, friendship & respect.
Ian has my sympathy... I'm feeling & behaving skittishly. Some of the fear is about Ian's feelings and commitment, but the larger portion is about myself & how apprehensive I am of making a mistake again. Rehab and therapy, to gain calm & stability, has been a slow (and often painful) process and I'm more afraid of myself than I am of anything Ian might say or do.
Ian has been totally honest about his HIV+ status and mood disorder, he's bi-polar. I've known that since the first time I met him. I respect him for being completely up-front with me. He's helped me a great deal and I can only thank him, so far, for that.
I am not HIV+ and Ian's status is of little concern to me. I have my own mood disorders - depression, OCD and PTSD. I am an alcoholic. I have to remember I will always be an addict & at risk. I am supported by medication. I will be in allopathic treatment for the rest of my days. I have rebelled at defining myself by my disorders and have tried to do without my meds. I have a checkered past, with abandonment issues, profligate spending & a track-record of leaving things incomplete, I've done the bankruptcy thing and have no credit to prove it.
And yet, I'm optimistic about this. Ian, Lynne & Keith know now that I'm a worry-wart and more likely to make a break for it than Ian. I'm trying to live up to the standards, the new & healthy ways, I've been learning for ten years. I have acknowledged my mistakes and my role in my first marriage. I'm fully aware it is possible Ian may leave me for a younger man, the stated concern of my biological & extended families..
I realize this is real life. I believe it is possible to make things come true, if I just work on it. The last ten years are proof of that. And I won't be alone, feeling like I'm doing all the work of carrying my marriage, like the world on Charles Atlas' shoulders. I will keep in mind the line I've used all my life: I'm off on a new adventure.
I'm not alone. Ian's beside me and, if we are any good together, we'll make it through with flying colors! I will not ask you to wish me luck. Phyllis used to say wishing somebody good luck is to bring bad luck down on them. She would say, "Have a good time!" So, I'm wishing myself and all who know me or care - Have a good time!
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