When I was unwell, I appeared, to myself and others, to have an amazing reservoir of energy. I'd rise at 6 AM, work for ten to twelve hours, go do a volunteer stint, have some sort of social interaction, get high & drunk and lose myself in music till I'd crash for three to four hours. I did this daily. Weekends meant I'd finish earlier from one thing to go on to something else.
Since 2003, with diagnoses of depression and sleep apnea, metaphorically speaking, every molehill is a mountain. I frequently nap once or twice a day. I break tasks into portions, making each a "baby-step" and spreading the task over the time as I have available. Else, I start beating myself up for not accomplishing a thing. I neglect my changed circumstances and make "a stick for my own back" (i.e. giving myself shit or disappointing somebody). Newton said every action has an equal and opposite reaction. For instance, I mailed a letter and bought hearing-aid batteries today. I probably walked 3 to 4 blocks there and back. Here I sit ready for a nap and not allowing myself that latitude.
This makes me furious at, and disappointed in, myself. I should be calm, acknowledge my age and the changed levels of energy. Consciously knowing isn't the same as a firm belief in myself. Right now, I feel grotty. I am my own worst enemy, chastising myself for situations I should take in my stride. This is a part of how I view myself vis-a-vis looks, weight, intelligence, wisdom or what have you. This is part & parcel of my inability to accept compliments, to denigrate myself to myself and to others. I cannot convince myself, both Id & Ego, that I am a good person, intelligent, loving, kind and worthy of every praise, love and consideration.
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